Bulimia Free

To add to these I was overweight and desperately struggling to lose it. To me that meant I would then become a "valuable and important" person. Unfortunately what started innocently with my first bulimic episode turned into a life long battle. Not long after this first episode did I release that Bulimia only delivered false promises. I became dependent on this other person the "bulimic me" and couldn't stop binging and purging for the next 23 years.

My experience with bulimia has been paradoxical.  On one hand it aided in my self-protection, my self-comfort while on the other hand it fed my low self-esteem and accelerated my self-destruction. There probably isn’t a horror story out there that would surprise or shock me.  I think I have tried just about everything under the sun from store hopping, measuring and weighing my throw up, excessive laxative and diuretic abuse (it even went so far as to result in my large intestines being removed) and even to throwing up in the dumpsters!  My list of tricks is endless, far greater than I would care to recount. Clearly my 23 years battling this disease has made me an expert at being bulimic.  The common threads, however, that connects all of my binge and purge sessions are the deep seated feelings of emptiness and isolation they leave in their wake.   

Unfortunately, binging and purging, compulsive exercising, taking any kind of appetite suppressant I could get my hands on (legal or not), water pills, diuretics, enemas and laxatives and having a history of dieting are some ways I have engaged my bulimic self in on a daily basis.  (Probably one of my lower points was when everything I had inside me would be coming out at all ends.) 

Sometimes I thought I might even die.

I am not claiming to be cured but I'm happy to say that I am finally in recovery! I went on a very long and arduous journey of self-discovery which included intensive therapy to help get me to this point. Therapy has helped me work out the reasons for my choosing bulimia in the first place. I now know that the seeds for bulimia had been planted in my early childhood. It wasn't until I was willing to undertake this painful work could I begin to fully understand the dynamics of this terrible disease in order to become my authentic self. Learning who I am without my longest, dearest, and falsest friend has been life changing.

For me it is now easier to live for today, rather than obsess about tomorrow, something I had previously done relentlessly throughout my life. Instead of being consumed with fear about the possibility of eating something I didn't consider "safe", such as dining with family or friends, lunch with a client, I take one meal at a time. I continue the promise I made to myself that I will not worry about later or tomorrow, instead I know that the feelings of anxiety I have will pass and everything will be ok.

I no longer need bulimia and its false comforts as a way of dealing with life. What a wonderful gift I have given myself. And you can too!  

The purpose of this web site is to share my battle for recovery with you in the hope that it will help and inspire you in your battle.  In return, I ask you to help and support me and to share your experiences because only we sufferers truly understand what we are going through.  I look forward to the day when you and I can live our life to the fullest without bulimia or the eating disorder that afflicts you.

Feedback Form: If you don't want to post on the public discussion/message board in the Sharing Area section but have something you want to talk to me about, you can contact me privately through this form. I will try to encourage, help and support you as best I can.

I will reply to you within 48 hrs, unless there are rare circumstances such as travel that may delay my response. You do, however, have my commitment that I will reply to you.